Confessions of a geeky dad: Weird household rules.

in #funny7 years ago (edited)

As parents, we sometimes need to come up with some awfully strange rules.



Rules are meant to be broken... unless they are my rules. Then they should all be mindlessly followed to the letter.

"Dad. Dad? Da-ad? Da-a-ad?"

Nails on a chalkboard. That is what it sounds like when one of my kids repeatedly calls my "name" from another room in the house. It literally drives me crazy (@trafalgar I literally can't believe I just used "literally" incorrectly. I hope your head does not literally explode).

Believe me, I love my kids very much. If they ever truly needed anything, I would drop what I was doing and swoop in to help. I also know I am very lucky that my kids can communicate their needs to me at all. But enough of that reasonable stuff. I am merely expressing my annoyance with my kids repeatedly calling my name and expecting me to drop everything so they can ask me a trivial question...

Instead of coming to find me!


Grrrrrrrrr!

If it is that important, get off your butt and come tell me. You are the one who wants something! The least you can do is not make me stop looking at steemit for any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Anyway, as a result of my developing this pet peeve, I have instituted a unique rule in my house.

You are not allowed to call me unless you are injured, a family member is injured, the house is on fire or...

you are in the bathroom and you run out of toilet paper!



My kids would be allowed to yell for me in the situation.

I'm not kidding. That is the actual rule.

As I was explaining this rule to a coworker, I realized that at some point in my children's lives, they will come to the realization that their dad had a very firm rule that ended with, "unless you are in the bathroom and you run out of toilet paper." They are going to think that is normal... until they express it out loud while they are chatting at a bar some day. Then their friends will cock their heads and look at them the way a dog looks at his owner when he sees him naked for the first time. "Your dad said what?"



Oh well. It's a rule now. Once I make a rule I stick to it so they will just have to deal with that epiphany later in life. I know they will be ok.

That won't be the only rule that gets them some cockeyed looks when they explain them as adults.

I'm not sure if everyone knows this, but starting in third grade, children develop the almost supernatural ability to create the most foul smelling stench in their shoes (especially during the winter). You see, the kids go outside at recess. They slosh through the snow and their shoes get soaked. Why don't they have boots you might ask? They do! But they are third graders who don't want to waste valuable recess time putting them on. Back to the wet shoes. They get them soaked. Then they go inside. As they dry, the combination of sweat, skin, and dirty water creates an incredibly putrid concoction that would be labeled as "hazardous fumes" if it could be bottled (but why would you?). Post-recess foot odor is one of the worst things I have ever smelled.



This is quite realistic. You can actually see the stench coming from the inside of a third grader's shoe.

My friend's sister happens to teach third grade. One day, I asked her how she could possibly survive the stench of 25 sets of noxious feet in the winter. She had a simple answer. She never lets them take off their shoes. She fears that if she ever did allow this, she would simply die.

"Why did the 3rd grade teacher fall out of her chair? It was January and a student took off one shoe!"

"Tip your waitress. Try the veal. I'll be here all week."



Simple enough. But at home, they must take them off. Luckily for me, I discovered that the socks are really the problem. You would think the rule would be, "If you take off your shoes, you also have to take off your socks." But no. That is too normal. In my house, from December to March, when you take off your shoes, you also have to take off your socks and put them in the special ziplock bag in your closet.

Again, they are going to grow up thinking this is a normal thing. Some day they will be laughing with their pals and ask, "Remember when you were a kid and you had to put your socks in a ziplock bag when you got home from school? Man the stench almost knocked you out when you had to take them out on laundry day."

They will surely hear crickets as they get the confused dog look from everyone within earshot.

You would think that as a loving parent, someday I would warn my children that these things weren't typical household rules? But why would I do that? Dealing with that kind of embarrassment builds character... and is freaking hilarious!



We have not instituted this rule in my house... yet.

Am I the only one with bizarre rules?

Did any of you have crazy household rules when you were a kid?

Do you have any odd rules for your own kids now?

If you are looking for some laughs, but you don't have 12 hours to dedicate to reading or writing long posts, check out the #punchline tag.



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I had four rules while raising my two daughters:

  1. You cannot wear pink and red together-except on Valentine's Day... reason: when little girls start learning to dress themselves they invariably choose pink and red...which I do not care for.
  2. Mom gets all the orange penny gumballs... reason: I absolutely love the flavor of orange gumballs, of course my daughters got another penny but Mom got the orange ones. Years later I asked my daughter if she liked them as much as I do, she said she didn't know-she'd never had one. : 0
  3. You cannot change the car radio station if a Beatles song was playing. At about the age of 10 the new game became searching the radio for their favorite songs, which I played along with, except when a Beatles song was on the radio. To this day my grown children won't change a Beatles song.
  4. For good or bad, accept responsibility for your own actions.
    That's really all we needed to get through the day : )

These are fantastic! Exactly what I was looking for. The gumboil one is bar far the best. She never tasted an orange gumball! Fantastic!

But tha rule in the family had bound us together

We're born in the same generation, so perhaps you remember being told by your parents to come home when the street lights came on...

No cell phones, no 6 mm DARPA tracking chip embedded in our neck, and NO idea where we were (exploring all the local woods for magazines; perhaps you recall that as well 😉).

Good times: When kids had relative freedom and the most exciting thing that ever raised concern were reports of a possibly rabid fox 🦊 somewhere in the woods.

Fond memories, thanks for bringing me back 🤝

Yes! That is exactly how it was. I loved it and it feels odd that my kids' lives are so different. And there really is no reason for it. But it takes a community. I am willing to let my kids roam free... but if no one else does, there is nothing for them to do lol.

True that!
Is it any wonder childhood obesity is at such a catastrophically high level?
They're called playgrounds, kids:
Put down the video game and go climb on stuff!
Trust me, it's fun, you'll love it!

Cooll!! Nyc Comment!!!

Not much of a weird house rules here in my home except if you know that you will pass gas with utmost stench like your insides are rotting to the core, you better go outside first. @hanshotfirst

Somewhat related. I'm a gamer and my wife isn't, so she doesn't really get that you can't PAUSE an online game. So when she wants my son to get off the PC (he's a gamer too) I make sure she gives him a little time to finish whatever he was doing in a reasonable time. I usually have to go in and verify that he really can't get up at that moment though lol.

Very funny post @hanshotfirst. Parents-children relationship is always exciting

This was very enjoyable to read, I laughed several times. I think your rules are completely proper, and I imagine I would come up with something similar if I had children. Keep it up! Lucky kids.

One of my favorite strange rules I had when I was growing up, (perhaps not a rule, more of a principle I guess) is that I always had to stop and look at the flowers at the side of the road, cause when we got to the destination I would have missed my chance.

Thanks. That is actually quite beautiful.

Haha, this post is still making me laugh @hanshotfirst! I can't think of any rules quite as outrageous as these but one rule my dad always had was no chewing gum because he hates how people look doing it.

I happen to think that the boycotting of chewing gum is an amazing rule

Prepares them for job interviews and what not.

LMAO Your Post was So Funny, Thank you for the Laughs! And Yes Growing Up a Rule in our House was if you Had to Fart You Had to Go to the Nearest Corner in the Room, Fart in the Corner and Wait a Moment to Ensure the Skink wasn't Going to Follow You! Bwahhahahahaa!!! Embarrassing My Children ( I Have an 8yr and 5yr old)is one of my Most Valued Parenting Joys :P

That is brilliant! I am instituting that one today!

If it is that important, get off your butt and come tell me. You are the one who wants something!

My kids did not do this once texting became the norm. They would be upstairs in his or her bedrooms and I would be in kitchen and they would text me!
Really? Lazy, lazy, lazy... my parents, especially my dad, would have wrung my neck at the laziness.

Oh wow. I haven't gotten there yet. But I'm sure its just around the corner. Is there an emoji for toilet paper?

There probably should be- they already have the steaming pile of $#@& emoji.

Tell them to use both sides of the toilet paper. It'll save trees.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Brilliant! This needs to be a post in #punchline!

Thank you. Maybe I'll get that in sometime.