Not so Prepared...steemCreated with Sketch.

in #blog7 years ago

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Isn't it strange how you prepare yourself for something, but the closer it gets the less prepared you are? The last week has been really hard. I find myself attempting to keep myself occupied for the sake of "keeping it all together." If I'm not doing something than I much rather be asleep so that I don't have to think, but when you wake up nothing has changed. Your reality is still that same reality and you lose yourself to it all over again.

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The fear has set in again. As time approaches, I feel more anxious despite the fact I am ready to see my family and my grandmother. I am now going to face the reality she and they have been living for weeks since her diagnosis of cancer. I find myself fearful of this reality, that when I arrive I will not be strong enough to keep it together for her sake. I want to be strong. I need to be strong. The question still remains: Can I be? A friend I spoke to told me "sadly, there is little other choice" and he is absolutely right. As I sit here typing my thoughts, contemplating the next few days of chaos from working my last days on assignment, to packing, and spending 3+ days on the road home to Texas, I find myself thinking about that I have to do this. That I could not forgive myself if I did not.

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Everyday I take care of people, whose own lives are caught in a balance and despite the fact that my days are hard, their days are just as hard. Just recently we worked for over an hour to resuscitate a patient and just when we weren't sure if the doctor was going to call it we watched her heart beat on the ultrasound machine. You could see the flicker of life and we all felt a sense of relief and accomplishment. At the end of the day a life was saved. She was a wife, a mother, a sister, and a daughter.

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I thought to myself how I needed to be this courageous when I walked through the threshold of the place I call "Home." So here I am, getting ready for a difficult time in my life. I can only think to myself that the way to do this is "together" I am grateful for the large and loving family I am blessed to have. Together we will fight, together we will love, together we will live, and together we will overcome.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, to listen to my fears, and for walking with me during this difficult time.

Your Travel Nurse
❤️️
"Nursey"

Images courtesy of Pixabay.com

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You are very courageous and strong and the only thing you to gain out of this is the accomplishment that you made it. I look forward to the time we can drink a beer together and think " Im so glad we both got though our difficult times". Shine on sister you know where I am.

You're so thoughtful! I really appreciate you taking the time to read. Its been a rough road and its only going to get harder. I hope you are doing well yourself.

A really good post Nursey.
I can feel your anguish in the words. You've got a family here and at discord too babe. Steem on a babe you're awesome. 😉

I appreciate you as always. I could never forget my discord family. Thanks for replying ❤️️

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I can relate to your fear of facing it. I recently went back home and saw my grandmother in a dementia home for the first time and I was so prepared to be sad I was making it much harder. I know this is a different situation but I know you are strong you are the HEALER ANGEL after all. You will do your best to help and be supportive. I wish you strength and give you hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Also Ps if you ever want to just vent into my inbox please feel free :)

We miss you. I miss you. <3

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